"Big Breasts Trump Principles" by Zeitgeisty

From her photo she seemed very attractive, a bit like Natalie Portman, with a winsome smile gracing her delicate face. Definitely cute. Still, you never really know with these photos, I mean usually there's some sort of trickery in place. Either it's a photo from 1952, before the lobotomy, or all the photo gods were smiling down on the particular day the photo was taken, all the planets were aligned just so. You know the deal.



Anyway, I had a preliminary conversation the day before and I must admit,it wasn't all that promising. There were some definite warning bells a ringin'. In the first place, she was obviously quite troubled, rambling on a bit about some personal problems (the details of which I found more than a tad on the inappropriate side to discuss with a total stranger) and she also sounded pretty wasted. Still, I hate talking on the phone, so I figured I'd meet up with her and see for myself what the score was.

So, we rendezvous at a café the following night, and the first thing I noticed was, she had definitely gained a good 25 pounds since that photo of hers was taken. Additionally, her eyebrows were plucked to death. They looked like 2 little squiggles above her eyes, which were heavy lidded with inebriation I might add. She had obviously knocked back a few before meeting up with me. I will say this, I didn't mind the weight at all, as I like women who've got a bit of meat on their bones, and she had a colossal rack. Overall, I would say in the right light she'd be definitely maybe almost semi-fuckable, especially if I were to get a couple of drinks in me, which I proceeded to do right quick!



Anyway… We talk a bit, and it seemed to be going pretty well, although I can't ever really tell on these things, I'm always so detached. To tell the truth, I wasn’t really giving a rat's ass about the whole night other than a vague interest in fondling her tits... so…

After awhile, we moved on to another bar (at her suggestion) ‘cause she wanted to play pinball and knew of a place that had a good machine. I ordered her a vodka tonic and I took another Dewar’s on the rocks. I was starting to feel a bit better with some alcohol in me, and we got chummier.

After playing a bit, we sat down, and talked some more. I asked her about where she went to school, and she responded, “Athens, GA.”.

I said, 'Mmm. That's a pretty progressive southern town... REM and all that'...

She replied somewhat mysteriously, 'Well, not so much as far as the people I hung out with back then'.

‘Oh yeah, that statement seems a bit ominous…', I answer a tad nervously

'Well they were pretty hard core'

'How so?', I asked, 'Like, they listened to a lot of black flag and stuff?'

'Well no.. more so politically I guess'

I responded half jokingly, 'What? You hung out with a bunch of white supremacists or something?'..

She went, 'well yeah.. but I’m reformed.. and I didn't share all their views'...

After dragging it out of her, I find out she hung with the neo-nazi crowd for 4 years. I guess she dated one of the leaders of the 'cause'. According to her, all her life she'd been seen as 'pretty' and 'delicate' and no one ever took her seriously, so she just wanted to hang out with the most 'bad-ass' people she could find, so people would respect her. I thought, 'jesus. She couldn't find some nice drug dealer, or hell's angel? She had to go straight to the neo-nazi contingent of 'badass'..?

Well at least she didn't share ALL their views, just the hating blacks and Jews part..

By this point my head was swimming a bit. I wasn’t sure if it was the Dewar’s or her story, but I wasn’t feeling all too well. She continued talking about how she campaigned for Bush twice, was a pro-lifer and believed in the bible verbatim.

That’s when I realized how disgusting a human being I am, because If she hadn’t have had those scrumdiddliumptious jugs, I would have been gone like the wind in 60 seconds… no discussion.

Anyway, around this time, she drunkenly slumped in my direction, and all of a sudden had her tongue down my throat. I wasn’t sure how to react. I actually never do that sort of thing, meaning, I don't think I've ever made out with anyone on the first date - let alone a nazi (Ok ‘reformed’ nazi).

I have to admit for a second it felt pretty good!

Of course, almost instantaneously I got the image of that tongue of hers exploring every hole and crevasse on the body of that scabby, inbred, sociopathic, redneck and I sobered up immediately.

I suggested we call it a night.

I walked her home, and interestingly enough, she lived in the exact same building as this awful ex girlfriend of mine, which seemed fitting. She was a nazi and the ex was the anti-christ - a pleasant pairing. Apparently that building was the portal to hell.

When I got home I felt ashamed of myself. I realized, for the briefest of instances, I might have been willing to sacrifice all my principles, everything I stood for, over a pair of bodacious ta tas. I'm truly a horrible human being. A disgusting amoral louse.. A pig.. I mean this girl was a mess… Totally off her rocker, an obvious raging alcoholic, clearly an anti-semite/racist and I really think she might have a serious problem with reality. Jesus…

I wonder if she’ll call...